Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
