Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
