I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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