i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize