im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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