Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
