You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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