sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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