I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize