when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
