went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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