a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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