You're earring is so big in my mouth
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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