I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
