I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there is glitter all over my balls
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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