hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
