I will die if light touches me.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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