seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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