Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
