The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
