I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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