Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
