How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize