we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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