My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
