We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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