i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
