put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
