just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
