I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
