please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
