In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
