Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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