remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
In America we eat man semen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
