Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I will die if light touches me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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