You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
