Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
