3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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