I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
