i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
