You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
