I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize