the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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