yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
