hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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