Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
even my farts smell like vagina
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So squirting runs in the family.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
