I can tuck mytits in my pants
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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