dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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