apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
