the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
