i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
