she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
