my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She swung at the pinata with crutches
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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