That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
