there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize