Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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