Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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