Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
