At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
